Priest runs out of sermons on Gadarene demoniac

Unable to cope with the appearance of the Gadarene demoniac seven different Sundays on the Orthodox lectionary, Father Julian Thorton of the Orthodox Church of All Saints of Northern South Carolina ran out of sermons this past Sunday.

“There’s only so many variations you can have on ‘we want God on our terms.’ I’ve done sermons about the differences between the synoptic Gospels’ versions of it, and even one on how the demoniac’s ability to break chains is a metaphor for our own sins, and now I’m completely out of ideas,” Fr. Julian complained before liturgy. “Not another swine Sunday!”

At the sermon, Fr. Julian decided to wing it, beginning, “Today’s gospel reading is eight verses long. Really, it is. How do we know this? Because the sentences are numbered. Did Jesus use those numbers when He spoke to the Apostles? We do not know, but some Biblical scholars believe He did. How are we to interpret such claims? Allow us to explore…”

One Reply to “Priest runs out of sermons on Gadarene demoniac”

  1. The Story, Again
    (sung to the tune of “Here Comes the Rain, Again” by the Eurythmics)

    Here come the pigs again
    Falling o’er the cliff like a memory
    Falling in the sea like an oft tradition
    Once again walk with the Gadarenes
    Once again drive demons into pigs
    Watch them dive into that ocean
    Is it making sense to you?
    So baby talk to me
    Like preachers do
    Walk with me
    Like homilists do
    Talk to me
    Like Patristic commentaries do

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