After several years of confusion over when he’s allowed to recognize events in the lives of parishioners, Father Antony of the Church of All Saints of Southern North Dakota has put a sign labeled “no good news” on the Confession stand.
As all things told to him during Confession are considered under the seal of Confession, if parishioners tell him happy things going on in their lives in addition to sins to Confession, they all must remain confidential.
This has caused numerous awkward moments in the life of the parish, for example, when he said, “I didn’t know she was pregnant,” when a 9-months-pregnant woman went into labor during liturgy and had to be taken to the hospital.
Father Antony has also had to feign ignorance about high-school students being accepted to college, new houses being bought, and even the name of the one guy who knows how to adjust the church’s temperamental security system who added an offer to help during Confession.
Father Antony has been frustrated by the number of parishioners who think he’s clueless, especially as he can’t tell them the reason for his delay in figuring out church news. In a recent interview, he said the primary reason for the problem is the absence of his wife, who passed away three years ago.
“The system we had was that Father doesn’t know what he knows until Matushka tells him that he knows it,” he said, adding that Matushka Sonya would review parishioners’ news with him every Sunday afternoon after church.
“I don’t know what else to do,” he said. “Parishioners tell me once during Confession, and then they don’t feel the need to tell me again during coffee hour.”
Father Antony hoped the “no good news” sign would clear up some of this confusion, but his plan hit a snag last week when he was hearing confessions during hours before liturgy. He put his stole over the head of 9-year-old Propentia Pierce and read the prayer before Confession that began with “Behold, my child, Christ stands invisibly before us…”
She confessed her sins from the preceding few weeks and then added, “Father, you know how the water in a coffee maker goes through the coffee grounds and then the coffee filter and then into the carafe?”
“Yes, my child, why are you asking?”
“Isn’t there supposed to be a pot underneath it to catch the coffee?”
“Yes, why?”
“The coffee maker in the fellowship hall doesn’t have a pot underneath it. I know that’s not related to my confession, but can I tell you that? That wouldn’t be good news, would it?”
“I must agree that is not good news,” Fr. Anthony said and then rushed through the prayers of absolution. He wanted to repeat what he’d just heard to an altar server, but he realized he couldn’t as it had been told to him during Confession. Liturgy was delayed some time as he ran downstairs in full vestments to turn off the coffee maker and clean up the mess himself.
