Local Orthodox couple Gregory and Marina Glidewell, happily married for almost 15 years, came to a crisis point recently when Marina was going through boxes in the storage closet and discovered several boxes of icons they had been meaning to display. She called her husband over, and they both agreed that they should be out where people can venerate them, but they did not have enough wall space for them all.

Marina suggested Gregory give some of them away, but he objected. “I bought these icons when I was on Mount Athos and I was sure that people back home would want me to give a class about icons you can’t find in North America.”

“How long ago was this?” Marina asked.

“Twenty years.”

“And has this happened yet?”

“No, but it was still a good idea,” he said.

Gregory then suggested Marina think about giving some of her icons away, but she objected. “This Kazan icon of the mother of God was given to me by someone who later passed away.”

“How long have you been Orthodox?”

“Thirty years.”

“That’s what’s what happens after that many years go by. Also, don’t we have two others mounted elsewhere in the house?” he said.

“But it was a really special gift.”

Unable to compromise, they began coming up with alternate solutions to the icon surplus: Gregory inquired about enrolling in seminary and using the icons to start a mission after graduation, but decided against it upon finding out the only recreational activity for seminarians is staying up until 3 am arguing about hermenuetics.

Marina applied to several dental schools, intending to put the icons on the ceilings of the patient rooms. “People will be inclined to pray while getting teeth drilled,” she said. However, she soon learned that doctor of dentistry degree costs several hundred thousand dollars, and decided against becoming a dentist.

Next, they explored splitting up and living in two houses to make room for all the icons, but discovered that houses, too, cost several hundred thousand dollars. Also, they still liked each other, or thought they would if they could get through the icon crisis.

Eventually they were willing to think about giving some of them away, but they agreed that leaving them in a box in the fellowship hall with a box marked “free” would simply not do. Even though they had been Orthodox all of their lives, they started attending Inquirers’ class and asking the new people if they could be their godparents. Frank Smith, a Protestant who was planning to be Orthodox at the end of next Lent said yes, but then backed out when they told him he was required to take the name Barsanuphius because they had so many icons of him. The parish priest, Father Antony, threw them out of Inquirer’s class after telling a young couple planning to join the church together that they were to be named after St. Innocent and St. Mary of Egypt.

Attempting to convert non-Orthodox friends was similarly unsuccessful, even when they touted the weight-loss benefits of fasting.

Gregory and Marina were last seen standing on a street corner with a cardboard sign saying “Icons Need Home, Please become Orthodox.” As of press time, this method had not garnered any takers, but a couple of Mormon missionaries observed their fruitless street evangelism and stopped by to offer to lend Gregory a white dress shirt and black tie out of professional courtesy.