Top seven rejected Daily Podvig Headlines

headlines

Editor’s Note: We’ve received numerous inquiries (ok, one) about our lack of posts over the past two months and would like to let you know that we do care about you, dear reader, but none of the stories our staff came up with passed our organization’s rigorous editing process. We at The Daily Podvig are committed to bringing you the highest quality nonsense, so we will not be sharing these rejected stories today, just the headlines:

P.K. Embarrassed After Letting it Slip that Mom and Dad Wear Dresses to work

Oreo Cookies Determined to be Lenten, but Are They Food?

After years of lost noodles, COROC church switches to New Colander

Mormon health insurance denies claim for spiritual counseling; soul defined as pre-existing condition

Girl Tells Boyfriend He’s Convinced Her to be a Virgin Martyr

Aid Fund Established for Victims of Censer Injuries

Priest accuses bishop of corrupting parish’s altar boys after Vladyka tells popcorn-in-the-censer story

 

Reader ends epistle two octaves higher than planned; offered job as soprano

 

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Apologies flowed freely at the Church of All Saints of Southern North Carolina last Sunday after Reader Barsanuphius Johnson misjudged the length of the Epistle reading at the Divine Liturgy.

“I didn’t go over the entire reading in the Epistle before I started,” he said. “All I saw was a block of text with a line of bold text at the bottom. I thought it said, ‘End Sunday reading’ like it always does.”

Reader Barsanuphius reads Epistles with an ascending pitch, starting the reading at the bottom of his range, raising his pitch as he chants and ending at a high but beautiful note. On Sunday, however, he was suddenly stuck in an Octave Crisis as he got to what he thought was the end and found that the bold text at the bottom really said, “Skip verses 3-6, continue reading verses 7-16.”

“I thought about stopping, but Orthodoxy is an uninterrupted tradition,” said Reader Barsanuphius, “So I felt obligated to keep going.”

Reader Barsanuphius kept ascending and ascending until he had finished what was the most memorable epistle reading in the parish’s history.

During coffee hour, however, apologies flowed freely.

First, Father Polycarp apologized for his remark, “Peace to thee that screecheth.” He also encouraged all readers to look over the entire epistle reading before starting, and, he added, if you get stuck at the top of your range, “Faking a coughing fit of 5-7 seconds should be enough to get people to forget what pitch you had been at.”

Second, Reader Barsanuphius apologized for the windows that he had broken.

Finally, Deacon Florus apologized to those who had been injured by the hot flying incense that he accidentally flung during an over-enthusiastic censing with the belled censer in an effort to drown out Reader Barsanuphius.

However, choir director Eupraxia Smith was encouraged by Reader Barsanuphius’ falsetto fling and offered him a job as a choir soprano. He said he’d consider it just as soon as he took the icepack off of the front of his neck.

Bonus post for #bloginstead

Welcome #bloginstead readers! There’s this lovely on-line festival going on right now for Orthodox bloggers started by Melinda Johnson over at melindajohnsonwriting.com, the idea of which is to communicate with people over blogs instead of social media. Melinda has made a list of 30 or so blogs and is encouraging us to reach out to one another. So hi there world! It’s the Daily Podvig, a humor and satire site. The articles on this site don’t refer to real events, but are rather pretend news articles that I hope could make you laugh, including topics such as parenting in church, dating in church, running out of sermon ideas and the dangers of making one political comment on-line and then going to bed while your friends go nuts in a comments war.

Now this is still a humor blog, so I need a couple of jokes. Ok, here’s one: If the guy you’re dating is roasting marshmallows over the candlestand, it might not work out.

Or, another half-developed idea that I have: 12-year-old shocked to learn closing eyes during prayers isn’t more pious: Mom just does it while blessing food to avoid thinking about missing utensils.

So maybe those aren’t real laugh riots, but I promise I’ll get to something better soon.

–Thomas Eric Ruthford, editor