In yet another sign of how darned small the community of church-going Orthodox singles is in this country, the Orthodox dating website saintlycourting.com matched Antonia Walter to a man she’d broken up with a mere six months earlier.
At first the dating profile looked interesting, but then something seemed too familiar with his headline of ‘I’ll work seven years for my Proverbs 31 woman.’
“I’d heard that before when he first walked up to me in coffee hour. He said, ‘I’ll work seven years for the seven digits to your phone,’” Antonia recalled last week.
“But at least he’s not in prison like the other guys I’ve been matched with,” Antonia said after clicking ‘dismiss’ on the match. “I think they ought to just change the name of the damn thing to apophaticdating.com – you find out what you want in a relationship by negation.”
For his part, ex-boyfriend Jeremiah Munoz said at first he was quite interested in her after seeing that she picked Tone 4 as her favorite (the only one he can accurately sing) and then thought, “It really is amazing how many girls like the song ‘Where is my hairbrush?’”
He began to get concerned when he saw the end of her ‘about me’ section: “I don’t care what Proverbs 31 says, I’m not wearing scarlet, dammit!”
That prompted Jeremiah to look back to her profile name of Agape95, reminding him of the last thing she said to him six months earlier, “I love you, but it’s just agape now.”
Jeremiah’s despair at the memory of the rejection changed to mortification that Antonia was going to send “ha ha check this out” e-mails with the link to his profile to her friends (who totaled half of the eligible church going women in their part of the state). He deleted his account immediately and has gone back to reading books by Fr. Alexander Schmemann in bars and waiting for girls to ask him ‘What’s that book about?’ to which he responds, ‘It says we are meant to be doxological, eucharistic beings.” As of press time, Jeremiah had not managed to win any phone numbers with this method.