Parish priest Theodosius Rydell was recently accused of getting
inspired to write a sermon from the confession of one of his parishioners, a
charge which he denies.
“On Saturday, I confessed to eating a cream-cheese bagel on
a Friday after doing so well for months and how I was so proud of what a good
faster I was,” whispered parishioner Alexander Gatton during coffee hour. “And
then your sermon the next day was about how fasting is supposed to make people humble,
Father Theodosius replied back, also in a whisper: “I write
my sermons on Thursday, really, I do. And sometimes someone makes a confession
on the same topic. But for your matter, it would help if you’d stop being so
darned specific in your confessions.” He continued, his voice getting a little louder.
“If someone confessed to me that they’d gone to a really good vegan Thai buffet
on a Friday and overate, I’d be like, ‘wait, where is this place?’”
Three other parishioners nearby only heard the words “vegan
Thai buffet,” from this conversation and immediately asked, “Wait, where is
Soon smartphones came out and it was discovered that the city
had one very well-reviewed vegan Thai buffet, and trips were planned. Over the
next few weeks, Fr. Theodosius smacked his forehead several times upon hearing “Vegan
Thai buffet” during parishioners’ confessions.
Dear Parish Members,
As I’m sure you know, the Fourth of July always falls during the Apostles’ Fast for those of us who observe the Old Style Calendar. Bishop Vladikos made it clear at this year’s clergy retreat that he has gotten tired of getting requests for dispensations for eating meat and whooping it up on the Fourth of July. In the past, he had allowed it to be a wine and oil day, but, he said, “Your parishioners have turned it into a whine and oil day with all their complaining!” and His Grace put the kibosh on even that dispensation.
This year the Church of All Saints of Southern North Carolina
will observe the Fourth of July on the Old Calendar. We believe this will
provide everyone with the opportunity to both observe the fast and appreciate
this great American holiday. While it is true that the Declaration of
Independence was signed on July 4 in Philadelphia, it was not until the eve of
July 17 that news reached our beloved county here in Southern North Carolina.
We have invited our friends from St. Barsanuphius Church to the
feast. We should be careful not to try convincing them to switch back to the
Old Calendar since, after all, we buy their used Christmas decorations for a
very low price every year.
This year, we are delighted to announce that veggie dogs marinated
in olive oil and white wine will not be on the menu.
Also, we are delighted that we can roast marshmallows with
actual milk chocolate this year. Please, however, do not publish any
photographs of the marshmallows on the Web site as Bishop Vladikos has been
doubtful of their appropriateness at previous picnics – he says they’re
certainly Lenten, but he doesn’t think they’re food.
We will enforce a couple of rules strictly:
Contrary to what you may have heard, there will be no tofu toss.
Any and all fireworks involving Batushka’s censer are still
Vladimir Smith, Parish Council President